if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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