Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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