I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
My legs feel like baby dolphins
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