the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
