I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
