No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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