Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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