You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Randomize
