I hate your face
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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