Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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