At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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