it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
