I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
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