She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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