i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
