they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
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