Dude my mom stole all your condoms
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
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