Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I can't put those talents on a resume
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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