He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
