3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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