she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
