so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize
