i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
