the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
