Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
