I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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