The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
