I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
