My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Randomize
