I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
