Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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