youre lurking in front of me
the condom got lost in my hair
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
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