Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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