he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
