When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Randomize
