obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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