so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
