you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
