babies were throwing up all over the place
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
