I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
