I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
