At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Randomize