If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
