i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
