I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
me + whiskey = a bad person
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Randomize
