I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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