My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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