she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Randomize
