I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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