We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize