What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Randomize
