ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Randomize
