everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
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