i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
