i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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